Transition

Had an awesome dinner with #super6 I guess you really need t experience the unfortunate times to really appreciate the good times. Things tend to get better miraculously as time goes by. No theory can be used to explain everything that is happening to me now. I guess God has been exceptionally good t me lately.

Initially, I was absolutely contented with a few friends in school. Like S1, S2 and M. Good enough t keep me going on. Though M and I aren't close but like.. we still see each other in th library at times. But then after S1 dropped out of school, and th fact that S2 hardly even comes t sch, I would have felt fucking alone if I never met Jc and Mh. And now we formed the super6 w S2, Sy and C. Weird combination but I guess that's th part I really like a lot.

Looking back at th past, I feel like I have changed a little, less angry and more patient? But still whiny, maybe less whiny than in Y1 because I'm starting t get used t feeling exhausted. Wtf man I was whining like a bitch in Y1S1 cus I didn't had enough sleep t complete a group presentation slide. Ytd, I only had 4 hours of sleep in preparation of today's presentation and now, I feel nothing of nonchalantness and annoyance. In fact, I feel normal like my usual self, maybe a little more exhausted tho.  

And like, I used t be disgusted w pple who are so fucking caught up with their GPA. But tday, I've learnt to understand that people have different priorities in life. I'm not a GPA kind of person but more of a learning process. As long as I have learnt something out of it, results don't matter that much, maybe to a an extent of passing it?

Academic wise, I started taking more initiatives in my projects this sem. M rlly taught me many things, like a guardian angel to slap th fk out of my irrational dreams, if she were a guy, I'd probably have fallen for her. Ok, I'm mentioning her bcus she wants t be a star of this post. She is quite a rational person, which makes me trust her even more when she gives her honest opinions tho it may not be pretty all th time. She is so rational, she makes me want t be as rational as her in all my decision makings.

I'm really trying t be fucking rational here, like accepting an internship from OCBC instead of flying off t Shanghai. But fuck.. I rlly feel sad rejecting an internship bcus it has always been my dream t work in a foreign land, alone. I wna be independent.I wna explore. I wna find myself. It's only when you're in a foreign land, you find more about yourself, where you dont have people you know t tell you who you are, or even be influenced by their opinions. Everything's new there, the people, the environment, th culture.

Guess I need t move this plan t after graduation. But then again, it's just 2 more years t go, and if I'm actually single enough t embark on this journey, it's making me worry. Single at a age of 24 is not funny. Kla, 24. Still got 6 more years t find someone before reaching 30. Aiyah but then again, I don't think I'll ever find th one.

As often as I remind myself I have t marry someone who loves me more than I love him and that he should have the capability t provide me shelter and a car, I cannot see myself marrying such a person if I don't like this person as much as this person likes me. I want t believe that there's actually such a person out there but th longer I live, th more pessimistic I get. Then I start planning about my life as a single mother, borrowing my friend's sperm t have my very own child. Lol.

And even before falling in love, I tend t hold back my feelings a lot, even way more than I have ever did in th past. I have held so much t th point, I feel like I can never love anyone again. Tbh, I have only loved one person. Till tday, I still care for him, but in a platonic way, maybe thats th thing about first love. But I'm way over it la, its been 5 years. Some people think that I haven't moved on, but tday, I am v confident t say that I have. Thats bcus when I looked back at all my prev entries about him, I don't feel th same way as I was when writing out that entry. I feel nothing at all. Nothing. Just a blank space.

Funny how I've been through diff stages of breakups and am fully well aware of th kind of shit I'm putting myself through when in love, I kinda want t feel that way again. I want t feel hurt. I want t feel happy. I want t experience those extreme emotions again. I think I siao eh. Imagine me dying again when in uni, I don't even think I'll ever graduate in 4 years time. Died during A levels period alrdy still don't want t learn my lesson. wtf is wrong w me lol

Okay, maybe sometime when I read this post again, I'll be a full blast thinker w zero traces of being a feeler.