Spaces for thoughts

It's been really long since I uploaded a post. I guess I was really busy for a period of time and also lazy for the longest period of my life. First up, updates on what I've been doing at school and then some reflections and thoughts to ponder about.

I was really into school and all in Y3S1 but things came crumbling down in S2. I must have relied too much on my friend for motivation and drive. Y3S1 workload was heavy in terms of handling fyp, idp shit and also not giving a fuck about AA. Lol. Until today, I'm still clueless about AA. The only thing I remember was concurrency, parallelism, map and reduce, worker. LOL.
The second semester was really bad. My motivation and drive got stolen. I wasn't even doing FYP stuffs. I was floating around, watching fking hua qian gu, reply 1988 and the lists goes on I don't even want to name to hurt myself even further. I only started doing work when I had to, for FYP finals, mid terms as well as finals.
In conclusion, I had a 4-5 months break? Okay to be precised, a 6 month break since I haven't done anything since finals ended. (Ps I finally landed myself an internship and I'm really excited about it)  

Self-realisation part 

After all these times, I suddenly felt like I am not a very opinionated person, I tend to follow what is in the trend or what most deemed it as right and logical. I have no idea what I want to do in the near future. Initially, I was really into the idea of consulting but after hearing how invaluable it turns out in this company it makes me rethink my choice of choosing this career path. Even when I am alone, I still can't find the career path I want. Sigh.

Okay, to be clear, I like IT consulting and am interested in exploring in compliance area and product development (FCMG). My interests and wants are like moving to idk where. And fuck this shit la, I just realised I like all these fancy investment banking, stocks, trading and COMPLIANCE all cus it sounded impressive and also the income aspect. Lol. Fml. I need to exclude money when I'm considering my careers. Zzz. I keep including the money and income aspect. Fkla, stick to IT consulting sua.

I was so sure of what I wanted to become when I was younger then. I had my education all planned out. I knew I wanted to go to a JC before taking O levels. I knew I wanted to go to express before taking PSLE. LOL. But it all ended before A levels. Clearly, I didn't know what I want to be.

Thoughts 

Comparison can make give you unnecessary egoism or put down your self esteem. After at least 7 months of internship search, I finally landed myself one. Given my current academics record, I'd most definitely be under the reject pile. The kind with just a short glance, the reject pile immediately detects that it belongs to them. 

I know how it feels like to know that you're better than someone else but yet that rookie somehow gets the better job. I have ever felt that way and I'm not sure if this is a right thing to feel. So much injustice when you know you're so much better than this person but somehow this noob just manages to get an internship and you're just jobless. Is such silent competition that unhealthy.  

In the past, I used to think it is enriching to engage in a academic competition with your friends so you'd both try to improve and win over each other. 

Maybe comparing yourself to someone to put down the other party is unhealthy. Maybe this is the part I have to learn that putting down the other party to make you feel better feeds your ego. Sometimes, ego can deter you from achieving greater things.

Setting all these aside, I'm going to pledge myself to do my best for this internship. 

Have some confidence in  yourself, you're not that stupid. You're probably just a slow learner and that you need to put in extra effort in keeping up. Also, you should work towards in becoming a fast learner. Learn all the tacit knowledge from the experts, and do not be afraid to ask questions no matter how stupid they may sound. While others judge you, you take one step further in your learning journey. You'd give in all your best for this internship. 

At this age, do not forget to strike a balance between work and friends. Do not let your work define your life. Money may be important but friends and family are things that you can't buy with money. While you live, enjoy and embrace every relationship you have with your friends and families. Once its gone, it isn't easy to go back to things the way they are.  

When you rise, always be humble to your beginnings and understand that everyone has a start. When you started out, you had nothing just like everyone else. Everyone else probably started later than you and in the near future, they may even rise higher and faster than you. Do not forget your humble beginnings. 

It's getting late. Sleep early. Coffee maybe a temporary energy booster, but it stains your teeth. You'll lose that beautiful smile of yours. (yes, i think i have a beautiful smile and fucking pretty lashes) LOL. 

FUCK LA I TRYING TO BUILD UP MY SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL OK. I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF MORE. 

Note to self: Do not cross the line between loving yourself sufficiently and narcissism

Random thought: Tbh, I think Y has a lot of self confidence but sometimes it may have been narcissism.